Saturday, 24 December 2016

The Aspirational Lambic Awards 2016

Having been reminded by the populist blogosphere that no one really gives a shit anymore i'm reverting back to type this year with the under appreciated and ever ignored Aspirational Lambics; awards so shit that no-one will want to get involved.
So if there are any hardy souls out there that still read this garbage i'm sure there won't be afterwards!

This year was particularly difficult because unlike the real fucking world where 2016 has been a car-crash, hardly anything shit happened in the beer world save the geeks here and there being total joyless fuck-nuggets; so without further ado, here are the awards for 2016.

The Lord Lucan award for best disappearing act of 2016 goes to : My soul. I grew a beard and worked in the beer industry this year, i am damned.

Best Bullshit in 140 characters : it's got pictures so @beerdoodles is top of the tree. Follow him or i'll send the boys round.

Dullest beer style : Cloudy; kind of bored of drinking pond water right now but goddamn it taste so good!

How many mega beer companies do we have to buy before we're craft : AB InBev again of course!! They finally managed to swallow SAB Miller this year but not without spitting out the chewy bits like Meantime.

Somehow managed to stay out of jail award : hate him or loathe him Julio Utter-Bastard somehow remains a free man which let's be brutally honest is a fucking surprise to us all!

The 'But I never win anything award' for winning awards : He's reached Doyen status now, partly because he's older than me and partly because he's too much of a fucking legend, yes you guessed it, Pete Brown.

The UKIP award for best beer Nazi : they're not beer nazis they're "Alt-Bier" and they're anyone with badge-wankery joy this year. Untappd users, take a bow!

The Dinosaur award for not really knowing what they're doing and mostly smelling of piss : CAMRA.

I'd rather have a Carling :  Than anything by Poppy Fields brewery.

The Donald Trump Award for spouting mostly horseshit this year : Donald Fucking Trump of course! This vitriol isn't just for beer people you know! - What a class-A Wanker he is.

If you make me drink that shit again i'll decapitate you : Guinness Dublin Porter. Gopping shit.

Thanks 2016, i'm looking forward to 2017 and the bullshit you're all going to be surprised about... **Spoiler alert** - shit's only going to get messier!

Friday, 2 December 2016

Pete Brown to Win Even Numbered Years Because No Other Fucker Comes Close

The Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers had their annual awards dinner last night and as suspected, prolific blagger, Pete Brown won the prestigious golden tanker for Beer Writer of The Year.....again.

Pete Brown, Winner Winner Posh Fucking Dinner
This year the panel of judges decided that he should just win every other year because no other fucker comes close in their quest to be anywhere near as good as he is. Guild rules dictate that having won this year he will be the chairman of judges again for 2017 so the next time he'll be able to win will be 2018.

The guild got the idea from watching all the Star Trek movies and noticing that all the even numbered films were shit and that only the odd numbered ones were actually any good. The panel of judges said it was actually a great idea for saving money by just letting Pete win on even numbered years because they're all very busy but they begged us to not make them watch Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home again because it was almost as bad as the Rancid About Beer blog.

Pete showed extra skills by picking up the golden tankard from a Molson Coors sponsor that was non-existent. Apparently they couldn't afford the Uber fare to get from Euston station to the swanky Park Lane Hotel where the awards dinner was held.

Pete Brown is well known in his field for doing beer and music matching so we suggest that you enjoy reading this blog whilst listening to Carly Simon's Nobody Does it Better...

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Crafty Beer Reaches Awards Apex

Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world. 
Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace. 

Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.

More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (yes it's an actual thing) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.
Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to
JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.
every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.
Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.

Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!

Saturday, 22 October 2016

Beer Geek Gets The Feels

History was made yesterday as a self proclaimed beer expert got a serious case of 'the feels' whilst listening to a group of men discover crafty beer for the first time.

Sitting in his local beer emporium, Someone's Buying Beer and sipping on a triple-oaked, quadruple dry-hopped Imperial Pale Stout last night, stupidly thick beer blagger, Rancidbarfly started welling up as a group of lads took their first Bambi-like steps into the world of crafty beer.
Taking their first tentative steps into crafty beer

Listening quietly to one side so as not to spook them, Rancidbarfly overhead snippets of their conversation like 'i kind of feel like something hoppy but not a double IPA...' and 'it's a bit chilly out there, got anything warming?'. The bartender was also doing his best to make them feel welcome whilst offering them a Session IPA and a Barleywine respectively. Rancid noted that they seemed to be really enjoying their beers.
One of them even asked for a craft brewery by name! 'do you have any Brewdogging?' he asked, the bartender merely smiled and gave him a taste of something better 'it's all about the Rainwater now, mate, try this' And with that a new group of lads had discovered crafty beer.

"It makes me feel so happy to see these young people discovering crafty beer for the first time, it really has warmed my cold, dead heart"

The moment was ruined however when one of their mates turned up and asked for a can of Magners without any irony whatsoever; it was time for Rancidbarfly to return home.

Rolling her eyes and tutting loudly Rancidbarfly's more intelligent other half groaned "for fuck sake, it's just the beer talking, let's go for a Kebab, you'll feel much better!" And they trudged off into the night with Rancidbarfly starting to weep.


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Wetherspoons Breakfast : A Miracle of Science

In a shock new survey, breakfasts at JD Wetherspoons pubs have been reported as one of the unhealthiest breakfast you can find.
Wetherspoons Food : a miracle of science!

The pub group's large breakfast option had a calorie content of 1531 kcal, salt levels at 18.3g and saturated fat at 40.2g, the highest of 11 major operators that serve breakfast.

Wetherspoons vociferous blowhard owner, Tim Martin today defended his breakfast saying 'we've managed to get more calories out of cardboard and rubber than any other operator that sells a breakfast, this is something we've been trying to achieve for years and it makes me so proud!'

Sitting in his local 'spoons, sporadical beer blagger, Rancidbarfly lauded the breakfast as a scientific marvel 'I think you have to acknowledge this breakfast as a miracle of science, how many others have tried to come up with a super-cheap meal consisting of so many calories without putting any actual food on the plate? Not many, I tells ya!'

You can get the reconstituted cardboard meals at any Wetherspoons from 7am, daily.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I Never Met the Guy, Insists Beer Blagger

A man who never met the late beer and whiskey journalist, Michael Jackson(not that one) is today
Not the Godfather of Beer Writing
claiming never to have met the journalist even though he raised a toast to him on the 9th anniversary of his death.

Remarkably shit beer blagger, Glyn Roberts, author of the trashy beer blag Rabid About Beer in a moment of uncharacteristic quiet reflection, today instead merely raised a toast to Michael Jackson(no, still not that one) is his own way, with a can of crafty IPA made from a small but reputable crafty brewery from 'ooop north'.

The IPA that was brewed using Citra hops which bring forth the aromas of Mango, Apricot, Grapefruit and Mandarin Orange. Along with a lasting, juicy tropical fruit bitterness; we can only guess that the man also known as The Beer Hunter as well as the Godfather of beer writing would have only been able to summarise this beer as a totally juicy banger!

Well it does bang and it is rather juicy....

Michael Jackson was the first real person to write about beer seriously, with thrillers such as Bad and  Dangerous as well less well known publications like Forever, Michael and Invincible.....oooops sorry, not THAT one!

My BAD.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

How to Survive GBBF

If you're lucky enough to be going to GBBF for the first time this year here are a few handy hints to make sure you make the most of the worlds biggest flat beer festival...
Hilarious attire. All the RAGE!

1. Bring a fuck-tonne of cash; this flat beer doesn't pay for itself y'know and it's mostly crafty now so it ain't cheap!

2. If you're usually a bit of a dick to bar staff remember that old man piss tastes way better than young persons piss and enjoy that alcohol-riddled sting on the way down...

3. Make sure your stomach is lined no-one likes to see lightweights passing out mid-afternoon, you'll just make the place look messy.

4. Head straight of the Foreign Muck bar before all the fucking geeks get the 'good' beer! It'll be twice the fucking price but remember, it's crafty!

5. Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint; you don't have to drink in pints all the time, even the halves are over poured by the amateur staff so you get a bit (not much, mind) of value for money.

6. Tactical chunder; do this in the toilet please, if you throw up in the main hall it'll only lead to others wanting to vomit too and I'm wearing new trainers this year!

7. Don't bother reading the program, you're only wasting valuable drinking time.

8. Cider bar. It's feral, just don't.

9. Do NOT engage beer geeks in conversation; we're here for the beer, not to listen to you whine about how flavoursome you think Greene King IPA is.

10. If you must go and get one of your various copies of CAMRA books signed by an author remember they're writers and not used to talking to actual people so try not to spook them.

11. Make sure you are correctly attired, beer-pun t-shirts are all the rage nowadays.

12. If you're going with your mates, remember that sniggering at beers called 'Rat Arsed Boobie Fiddler' is 'well funny' so maybe make a competition of it and see how many other fucking terrible hilariously titled beers you can find! Keep it to yourselves though, you don't want everyone to steal your idea!

So there you have it, you're welcome! If you need any more help, don't ask me i'll only be drunk.