Saturday, 22 October 2016

Beer Geek Gets The Feels

History was made yesterday as a self proclaimed beer expert got a serious case of 'the feels' whilst listening to a group of men discover crafty beer for the first time.

Sitting in his local beer emporium, Someone's Buying Beer and sipping on a triple-oaked, quadruple dry-hopped Imperial Pale Stout last night, stupidly thick beer blagger, Rancidbarfly started welling up as a group of lads took their first Bambi-like steps into the world of crafty beer.
Taking their first tentative steps into crafty beer

Listening quietly to one side so as not to spook them, Rancidbarfly overhead snippets of their conversation like 'i kind of feel like something hoppy but not a double IPA...' and 'it's a bit chilly out there, got anything warming?'. The bartender was also doing his best to make them feel welcome whilst offering them a Session IPA and a Barleywine respectively. Rancid noted that they seemed to be really enjoying their beers.
One of them even asked for a craft brewery by name! 'do you have any Brewdogging?' he asked, the bartender merely smiled and gave him a taste of something better 'it's all about the Rainwater now, mate, try this' And with that a new group of lads had discovered crafty beer.

"It makes me feel so happy to see these young people discovering crafty beer for the first time, it really has warmed my cold, dead heart"

The moment was ruined however when one of their mates turned up and asked for a can of Magners without any irony whatsoever; it was time for Rancidbarfly to return home.

Rolling her eyes and tutting loudly Rancidbarfly's more intelligent other half groaned "for fuck sake, it's just the beer talking, let's go for a Kebab, you'll feel much better!" And they trudged off into the night with Rancidbarfly starting to weep.

Sunday, 18 September 2016

Wetherspoons Breakfast : A Miracle of Science

In a shock new survey, breakfasts at JD Wetherspoons pubs have been reported as one of the unhealthiest breakfast you can find.
Wetherspoons Food : a miracle of science!

The pub group's large breakfast option had a calorie content of 1531 kcal, salt levels at 18.3g and saturated fat at 40.2g, the highest of 11 major operators that serve breakfast.

Wetherspoons vociferous blowhard owner, Tim Martin today defended his breakfast saying 'we've managed to get more calories out of cardboard and rubber than any other operator that sells a breakfast, this is something we've been trying to achieve for years and it makes me so proud!'

Sitting in his local 'spoons, sporadical beer blagger, Rancidbarfly lauded the breakfast as a scientific marvel 'I think you have to acknowledge this breakfast as a miracle of science, how many others have tried to come up with a super-cheap meal consisting of so many calories without putting any actual food on the plate? Not many, I tells ya!'

You can get the reconstituted cardboard meals at any Wetherspoons from 7am, daily.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I Never Met the Guy, Insists Beer Blagger

A man who never met the late beer and whiskey journalist, Michael Jackson(not that one) is today
Not the Godfather of Beer Writing
claiming never to have met the journalist even though he raised a toast to him on the 9th anniversary of his death.

Remarkably shit beer blagger, Glyn Roberts, author of the trashy beer blag Rabid About Beer in a moment of uncharacteristic quiet reflection, today instead merely raised a toast to Michael Jackson(no, still not that one) is his own way, with a can of crafty IPA made from a small but reputable crafty brewery from 'ooop north'.

The IPA that was brewed using Citra hops which bring forth the aromas of Mango, Apricot, Grapefruit and Mandarin Orange. Along with a lasting, juicy tropical fruit bitterness; we can only guess that the man also known as The Beer Hunter as well as the Godfather of beer writing would have only been able to summarise this beer as a totally juicy banger!

Well it does bang and it is rather juicy....

Michael Jackson was the first real person to write about beer seriously, with thrillers such as Bad and  Dangerous as well less well known publications like Forever, Michael and Invincible.....oooops sorry, not THAT one!


Tuesday, 9 August 2016

How to Survive GBBF

If you're lucky enough to be going to GBBF for the first time this year here are a few handy hints to make sure you make the most of the worlds biggest flat beer festival...
Hilarious attire. All the RAGE!

1. Bring a fuck-tonne of cash; this flat beer doesn't pay for itself y'know and it's mostly crafty now so it ain't cheap!

2. If you're usually a bit of a dick to bar staff remember that old man piss tastes way better than young persons piss and enjoy that alcohol-riddled sting on the way down...

3. Make sure your stomach is lined no-one likes to see lightweights passing out mid-afternoon, you'll just make the place look messy.

4. Head straight of the Foreign Muck bar before all the fucking geeks get the 'good' beer! It'll be twice the fucking price but remember, it's crafty!

5. Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint; you don't have to drink in pints all the time, even the halves are over poured by the amateur staff so you get a bit (not much, mind) of value for money.

6. Tactical chunder; do this in the toilet please, if you throw up in the main hall it'll only lead to others wanting to vomit too and I'm wearing new trainers this year!

7. Don't bother reading the program, you're only wasting valuable drinking time.

8. Cider bar. It's feral, just don't.

9. Do NOT engage beer geeks in conversation; we're here for the beer, not to listen to you whine about how flavoursome you think Greene King IPA is.

10. If you must go and get one of your various copies of CAMRA books signed by an author remember they're writers and not used to talking to actual people so try not to spook them.

11. Make sure you are correctly attired, beer-pun t-shirts are all the rage nowadays.

12. If you're going with your mates, remember that sniggering at beers called 'Rat Arsed Boobie Fiddler' is 'well funny' so maybe make a competition of it and see how many other fucking terrible hilariously titled beers you can find! Keep it to yourselves though, you don't want everyone to steal your idea!

So there you have it, you're welcome! If you need any more help, don't ask me i'll only be drunk.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Brown Beer Day Ignored

Fans of Britains national drink are furious today as their favourite style of beer, dull, brown, lifeless bitter is being ignored for enormous hoppy IPAs.

International IPA day has been such a huge hit amongst the Twitteratti in recent years that CAMRA
Every beer ever : Grapefruit and Citrus notes with a mild tropical flavour.
stalwart, Stinky Al is having trouble finding anything to drink that's under 7% in his local 'spoons.
Al, who prefers to be called 'Stinky' on account of his beer farts was quoted as moaning 'I'm all for different beers on the bar, it gives me and the other beer zombies something to tick but it's getting a bit ridiculous when i can't find something that's brown, flat and 24 degrees on the bar, i'll have to start drinking in the Pee Louis again!' A deep growling noise came from his pants, we stepped away, gagging.

Speaking just before the main CAMRA event of the year, GBBF, the usually excitable Budgie McBudgington looked quite downcast when speaking to us 'the problem is that there's no one, big event were dull brown bitters are celebrated for what they are; i can't even take an IPA home in a Panda Pop bottle because after leaving it sitting on my bedroom floor for three weeks the grapefruit and citrus notes and mild tropical flavours make it taste rank!'.

Cool, hip beer comedians Tommy & Benny excitedly extolled the virtues of having IPA day whilst standing onstage somewhere in the outer hebrides cooly supping tins of Homeless lager. 'We firmly believe that all styles of beer should be celebrated, IPA most of all, it's well crafty' they sang in unison; everyone laughed.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

The Sun Causes Zombie Apocalypse!

A new study has come to light showing that ironically puritanical tabloid rag will be responsible for the Zombie apocalypse in the coming years.

SHOCKING new evidence claims that reading the grubby tabloid will rot peoples brains and cause the end of the world.

The most alarming thing for the readers of The Currant Bun is that it won't cause just one, but SEVEN different types of Zombie Apocalypse all designed to make the general public believe fucking anything.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was quoted as saying 'you can read that shite if you want, i ain't taking any chances!'

The Sun is of course well known for it's own unique stance on sexism by posting half naked ladies on almost every page and for reporting on on Z-list 'celebrities' that everyone was quite happy to just forget about.

Rupert Murdoch, Zombie-In-Chief
The Study also found that believing the scare mongering tactics used by todays news agencies such as Fox News, News Corporation & other Rupert Murdoch owned nonsense could lead to eventual cerebral paralysis of those most at risk in our society, the ignorant, which other studies have suggested is about 52% of the voting population of the UK.

Sunday, 10 July 2016

Man Drinks Fined Beer. Dies.

There was shock today in the crafty beer world as a man drank a beer that had been fined and died of happiness shortly thereafter.

The gentleman in question was the notoriously shite beer blagger, Rancidbarfly who was fresh out of unfined beer in the fridge and just needed a hit.

The Craftyrati were said to be saddened that Rancidbarfly had been reduced to drinking fined beer and commented that it just showed the depravity of beer blaggers such as Rancidbarfly and others like him who just wanted to drink beer that had been well made. None of them wanted to be named so we merely called them crafty dumb and crafty dumber in a desperate attempt to tell the difference.

The body of Rancidbarfly was found with a big smile on his face and since no note had been left, the Corona pronounced it 'death by misadventure' instead of 'Russian Roulette by beer' or suicide and told everyone to go about drinking their crafty beers as if it were their last because in the crafty beer world you just don't know which beer might be fined nowadays since most of them are either brewed murky by choice or just shit.

Rancid's demise has sparked angry debates about fined and unfined beers with both sides claiming the moral high ground and some commentators have even compared the arguments to those of the Brexit/Remain campaign or even....EVEN the debate on defining crafty beer itself.

An as yet unnamed member of the Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers reminded people to drink responsibly and that if they absolutely had to drink fined beers they should do so only in company; and always have a self-designated unfined beer drinker who could tell them what a bunch of tasteless peasants they all were.