Saturday, 24 December 2016

The Aspirational Lambic Awards 2016

Having been reminded by the populist blogosphere that no one really gives a shit anymore i'm reverting back to type this year with the under appreciated and ever ignored Aspirational Lambics; awards so shit that no-one will want to get involved.
So if there are any hardy souls out there that still read this garbage i'm sure there won't be afterwards!

This year was particularly difficult because unlike the real fucking world where 2016 has been a car-crash, hardly anything shit happened in the beer world save the geeks here and there being total joyless fuck-nuggets; so without further ado, here are the awards for 2016.

The Lord Lucan award for best disappearing act of 2016 goes to : My soul. I grew a beard and worked in the beer industry this year, i am damned.

Best Bullshit in 140 characters : it's got pictures so @beerdoodles is top of the tree. Follow him or i'll send the boys round.

Dullest beer style : Cloudy; kind of bored of drinking pond water right now but goddamn it taste so good!

How many mega beer companies do we have to buy before we're craft : AB InBev again of course!! They finally managed to swallow SAB Miller this year but not without spitting out the chewy bits like Meantime.

Somehow managed to stay out of jail award : hate him or loathe him Julio Utter-Bastard somehow remains a free man which let's be brutally honest is a fucking surprise to us all!

The 'But I never win anything award' for winning awards : He's reached Doyen status now, partly because he's older than me and partly because he's too much of a fucking legend, yes you guessed it, Pete Brown.

The UKIP award for best beer Nazi : they're not beer nazis they're "Alt-Bier" and they're anyone with badge-wankery joy this year. Untappd users, take a bow!

The Dinosaur award for not really knowing what they're doing and mostly smelling of piss : CAMRA.

I'd rather have a Carling :  Than anything by Poppy Fields brewery.

The Donald Trump Award for spouting mostly horseshit this year : Donald Fucking Trump of course! This vitriol isn't just for beer people you know! - What a class-A Wanker he is.

If you make me drink that shit again i'll decapitate you : Guinness Dublin Porter. Gopping shit.

Thanks 2016, i'm looking forward to 2017 and the bullshit you're all going to be surprised about... **Spoiler alert** - shit's only going to get messier!

Friday, 2 December 2016

Pete Brown to Win Even Numbered Years Because No Other Fucker Comes Close

The Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers had their annual awards dinner last night and as suspected, prolific blagger, Pete Brown won the prestigious golden tanker for Beer Writer of The Year.....again.

Pete Brown, Winner Winner Posh Fucking Dinner
This year the panel of judges decided that he should just win every other year because no other fucker comes close in their quest to be anywhere near as good as he is. Guild rules dictate that having won this year he will be the chairman of judges again for 2017 so the next time he'll be able to win will be 2018.

The guild got the idea from watching all the Star Trek movies and noticing that all the even numbered films were shit and that only the odd numbered ones were actually any good. The panel of judges said it was actually a great idea for saving money by just letting Pete win on even numbered years because they're all very busy but they begged us to not make them watch Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home again because it was almost as bad as the Rancid About Beer blog.

Pete showed extra skills by picking up the golden tankard from a Molson Coors sponsor that was non-existent. Apparently they couldn't afford the Uber fare to get from Euston station to the swanky Park Lane Hotel where the awards dinner was held.

Pete Brown is well known in his field for doing beer and music matching so we suggest that you enjoy reading this blog whilst listening to Carly Simon's Nobody Does it Better...

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Crafty Beer Reaches Awards Apex

Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world. 
Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace. 

Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.

More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (yes it's an actual thing) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.
Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to
JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.
every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.
Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.

Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!

Saturday, 22 October 2016

Beer Geek Gets The Feels

History was made yesterday as a self proclaimed beer expert got a serious case of 'the feels' whilst listening to a group of men discover crafty beer for the first time.

Sitting in his local beer emporium, Someone's Buying Beer and sipping on a triple-oaked, quadruple dry-hopped Imperial Pale Stout last night, stupidly thick beer blagger, Rancidbarfly started welling up as a group of lads took their first Bambi-like steps into the world of crafty beer.
Taking their first tentative steps into crafty beer

Listening quietly to one side so as not to spook them, Rancidbarfly overhead snippets of their conversation like 'i kind of feel like something hoppy but not a double IPA...' and 'it's a bit chilly out there, got anything warming?'. The bartender was also doing his best to make them feel welcome whilst offering them a Session IPA and a Barleywine respectively. Rancid noted that they seemed to be really enjoying their beers.
One of them even asked for a craft brewery by name! 'do you have any Brewdogging?' he asked, the bartender merely smiled and gave him a taste of something better 'it's all about the Rainwater now, mate, try this' And with that a new group of lads had discovered crafty beer.

"It makes me feel so happy to see these young people discovering crafty beer for the first time, it really has warmed my cold, dead heart"

The moment was ruined however when one of their mates turned up and asked for a can of Magners without any irony whatsoever; it was time for Rancidbarfly to return home.

Rolling her eyes and tutting loudly Rancidbarfly's more intelligent other half groaned "for fuck sake, it's just the beer talking, let's go for a Kebab, you'll feel much better!" And they trudged off into the night with Rancidbarfly starting to weep.


Sunday, 18 September 2016

Wetherspoons Breakfast : A Miracle of Science

In a shock new survey, breakfasts at JD Wetherspoons pubs have been reported as one of the unhealthiest breakfast you can find.
Wetherspoons Food : a miracle of science!

The pub group's large breakfast option had a calorie content of 1531 kcal, salt levels at 18.3g and saturated fat at 40.2g, the highest of 11 major operators that serve breakfast.

Wetherspoons vociferous blowhard owner, Tim Martin today defended his breakfast saying 'we've managed to get more calories out of cardboard and rubber than any other operator that sells a breakfast, this is something we've been trying to achieve for years and it makes me so proud!'

Sitting in his local 'spoons, sporadical beer blagger, Rancidbarfly lauded the breakfast as a scientific marvel 'I think you have to acknowledge this breakfast as a miracle of science, how many others have tried to come up with a super-cheap meal consisting of so many calories without putting any actual food on the plate? Not many, I tells ya!'

You can get the reconstituted cardboard meals at any Wetherspoons from 7am, daily.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I Never Met the Guy, Insists Beer Blagger

A man who never met the late beer and whiskey journalist, Michael Jackson(not that one) is today
Not the Godfather of Beer Writing
claiming never to have met the journalist even though he raised a toast to him on the 9th anniversary of his death.

Remarkably shit beer blagger, Glyn Roberts, author of the trashy beer blag Rabid About Beer in a moment of uncharacteristic quiet reflection, today instead merely raised a toast to Michael Jackson(no, still not that one) is his own way, with a can of crafty IPA made from a small but reputable crafty brewery from 'ooop north'.

The IPA that was brewed using Citra hops which bring forth the aromas of Mango, Apricot, Grapefruit and Mandarin Orange. Along with a lasting, juicy tropical fruit bitterness; we can only guess that the man also known as The Beer Hunter as well as the Godfather of beer writing would have only been able to summarise this beer as a totally juicy banger!

Well it does bang and it is rather juicy....

Michael Jackson was the first real person to write about beer seriously, with thrillers such as Bad and  Dangerous as well less well known publications like Forever, Michael and Invincible.....oooops sorry, not THAT one!

My BAD.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

How to Survive GBBF

If you're lucky enough to be going to GBBF for the first time this year here are a few handy hints to make sure you make the most of the worlds biggest flat beer festival...
Hilarious attire. All the RAGE!

1. Bring a fuck-tonne of cash; this flat beer doesn't pay for itself y'know and it's mostly crafty now so it ain't cheap!

2. If you're usually a bit of a dick to bar staff remember that old man piss tastes way better than young persons piss and enjoy that alcohol-riddled sting on the way down...

3. Make sure your stomach is lined no-one likes to see lightweights passing out mid-afternoon, you'll just make the place look messy.

4. Head straight of the Foreign Muck bar before all the fucking geeks get the 'good' beer! It'll be twice the fucking price but remember, it's crafty!

5. Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint; you don't have to drink in pints all the time, even the halves are over poured by the amateur staff so you get a bit (not much, mind) of value for money.

6. Tactical chunder; do this in the toilet please, if you throw up in the main hall it'll only lead to others wanting to vomit too and I'm wearing new trainers this year!

7. Don't bother reading the program, you're only wasting valuable drinking time.

8. Cider bar. It's feral, just don't.

9. Do NOT engage beer geeks in conversation; we're here for the beer, not to listen to you whine about how flavoursome you think Greene King IPA is.

10. If you must go and get one of your various copies of CAMRA books signed by an author remember they're writers and not used to talking to actual people so try not to spook them.

11. Make sure you are correctly attired, beer-pun t-shirts are all the rage nowadays.

12. If you're going with your mates, remember that sniggering at beers called 'Rat Arsed Boobie Fiddler' is 'well funny' so maybe make a competition of it and see how many other fucking terrible hilariously titled beers you can find! Keep it to yourselves though, you don't want everyone to steal your idea!

So there you have it, you're welcome! If you need any more help, don't ask me i'll only be drunk.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Brown Beer Day Ignored

Fans of Britains national drink are furious today as their favourite style of beer, dull, brown, lifeless bitter is being ignored for enormous hoppy IPAs.

International IPA day has been such a huge hit amongst the Twitteratti in recent years that CAMRA
Every beer ever : Grapefruit and Citrus notes with a mild tropical flavour.
stalwart, Stinky Al is having trouble finding anything to drink that's under 7% in his local 'spoons.
Al, who prefers to be called 'Stinky' on account of his beer farts was quoted as moaning 'I'm all for different beers on the bar, it gives me and the other beer zombies something to tick but it's getting a bit ridiculous when i can't find something that's brown, flat and 24 degrees on the bar, i'll have to start drinking in the Pee Louis again!' A deep growling noise came from his pants, we stepped away, gagging.

Speaking just before the main CAMRA event of the year, GBBF, the usually excitable Budgie McBudgington looked quite downcast when speaking to us 'the problem is that there's no one, big event were dull brown bitters are celebrated for what they are; i can't even take an IPA home in a Panda Pop bottle because after leaving it sitting on my bedroom floor for three weeks the grapefruit and citrus notes and mild tropical flavours make it taste rank!'.

Cool, hip beer comedians Tommy & Benny excitedly extolled the virtues of having IPA day whilst standing onstage somewhere in the outer hebrides cooly supping tins of Homeless lager. 'We firmly believe that all styles of beer should be celebrated, IPA most of all, it's well crafty' they sang in unison; everyone laughed.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

The Sun Causes Zombie Apocalypse!

A new study has come to light showing that ironically puritanical tabloid rag will be responsible for the Zombie apocalypse in the coming years.

SHOCKING new evidence claims that reading the grubby tabloid will rot peoples brains and cause the end of the world.


The most alarming thing for the readers of The Currant Bun is that it won't cause just one, but SEVEN different types of Zombie Apocalypse all designed to make the general public believe fucking anything.

Idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly was quoted as saying 'you can read that shite if you want, i ain't taking any chances!'

The Sun is of course well known for it's own unique stance on sexism by posting half naked ladies on almost every page and for reporting on on Z-list 'celebrities' that everyone was quite happy to just forget about.

Rupert Murdoch, Zombie-In-Chief
The Study also found that believing the scare mongering tactics used by todays news agencies such as Fox News, News Corporation & other Rupert Murdoch owned nonsense could lead to eventual cerebral paralysis of those most at risk in our society, the ignorant, which other studies have suggested is about 52% of the voting population of the UK.

Sunday, 10 July 2016

Man Drinks Fined Beer. Dies.

There was shock today in the crafty beer world as a man drank a beer that had been fined and died of happiness shortly thereafter.

The gentleman in question was the notoriously shite beer blagger, Rancidbarfly who was fresh out of unfined beer in the fridge and just needed a hit.

The Craftyrati were said to be saddened that Rancidbarfly had been reduced to drinking fined beer and commented that it just showed the depravity of beer blaggers such as Rancidbarfly and others like him who just wanted to drink beer that had been well made. None of them wanted to be named so we merely called them crafty dumb and crafty dumber in a desperate attempt to tell the difference.

The body of Rancidbarfly was found with a big smile on his face and since no note had been left, the Corona pronounced it 'death by misadventure' instead of 'Russian Roulette by beer' or suicide and told everyone to go about drinking their crafty beers as if it were their last because in the crafty beer world you just don't know which beer might be fined nowadays since most of them are either brewed murky by choice or just shit.

Rancid's demise has sparked angry debates about fined and unfined beers with both sides claiming the moral high ground and some commentators have even compared the arguments to those of the Brexit/Remain campaign or even....EVEN the debate on defining crafty beer itself.

An as yet unnamed member of the Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers reminded people to drink responsibly and that if they absolutely had to drink fined beers they should do so only in company; and always have a self-designated unfined beer drinker who could tell them what a bunch of tasteless peasants they all were.

Friday, 24 June 2016

At Least They're Decent People Though, Right?

Indecent people all over the UK yesterday failed in their attempt to keep the UK from Brexiting* the European Union.
Thousands of devastated naked people are currently making a plan to move to Scotland or Northern Ireland in a desperate bid to stay European on account that most Brits are fucking idiots; but at least they're decent, eh?

The Crafty beer movement is said to be in real jeopardy now as decently clothed people won't be able to afford the price of imported beer as the pound slipped to it's lowest since the Thatcherite dark ages. Not that 'decent people' ever drank it anyway; no they're far too hard working for that sort of nonsense.

Call me Ham-Face even had the balls to step down, paving the way for Bojo The Clown and his gang of merry Goves to take control and send the world spinning towards World War Z with Bojo on one side and Drumpf on the other. At least they are decent people though, eh?
What could possibly go wrong...? But at least they're decent, eh?

UKIP leader Nigel Far-right, last seen celebrating with a pint of Greede Kerching has yet to grasp the concept that he's now obsolete having formed his party to break the UK out of the evil clutches of the European union, even half-witted idiot beer blagger, Rancidbarfly can see the irony of that!

Apparently the indecent masses are planning a mass naked protest in Trafalgar Square on Tuesday as a reaction to losing the vote in the naive hope that it might make the blindest bit of fucking difference.

*LAZY FAKE WORD KLAXON

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

£15 a Pint? Not Only in That London!

There's nothing like a pint at the end of a hard day at work and at £3.79* you can drink as much as you fucking like, reported The Mirror yesterday.
Apparently Sunday was a slow news day as they instead chose to share a story by one of their artisanal beer experts which was just a reaction to reading a tweet by a local councillor in Chorlton, up north somewhere.

British drinkers love a pint but how many of them would get their wallets out for an ale selling at £15 a go and it wasn't even in that London or even one of them foreign beers!
No it was Inhumane Cock & Balls, by Magic Mike's brewery again, up north somewhere. Apparently there's a stylish bit of Manchester now where all the London youngsters hang out and at the imaginatively named The Bar, this monstrosity of a beer was on! Do they know NOTHING!!?? There is no stylish part of Manchester!
They spelt the beers name wrong

The tweet that this garbage came from simply said 'for those of you with too much money. A £15 pint in The Bar #Chorlton'. 

HA! Shows what he knows! There's no such thing as too much money!!

The Mirror continued anyway with the tasting notes for Inhumane Cock & Balls, even though they were merely copying someone else work...again. Not that anyone cared what this beer tasted like, they just wanted to see pictures of celebrities drinking it in their favourite mind numbing reality show!

Then they bleated on about a study or something that was done on the price of beer last year Apparently in areas with higher incest rates the price of beer is a lot lower so in Herefordshire the average price of a pint was only £3.10 but your sister is your mother...or something; whereas in London where we tend to do less of that sort of thing, it was generally 82p more expensive. Less incest, more expensive beer, i can deal with that.

Then they continued moaning about a Swedish beer which was on sale in some Shoreditch dive being £7.50(the same price as a half of the Inhumane Cock & Balls). 

Going that extra mile to alienate their readership(most of whom were only there for the pictures) The Mirror then started quoting the Good Pub Guide, a publication from The Campaign Fo' Real Ale in which the author tells the membership where they can tick off their beers in the cheapest way possible; and that was generally the north of England, after all it's just like a really really cheap version of London with people that talk to you on public transport!

*Let's assume they were talking about the Carling and Guinness which their Artisanal Beer Expert dragged out as examples of ABV. Well done author, you can read a pumpclip.







Saturday, 11 June 2016

ARISE SAINT BREWDOG

Craft beer trolls all over the UK rejoiced today as two of their favourite henchmen, James Watt and Martin Dickie were given Sainthoods in the queens birthday honours.

The 5am Saints
Mr Watt, who now wants to be called Saint Punk of Craft Beer said 'to have been awarded something so prestigious is well (t)rad'.
Mr Dickie, could not be found to comment that he is already making his staff call him 'Saint Crafty of crafty brewers'.

The Queen herself was shocked that she was getting criticism from the dirty left wing republican types and defended her divisive choice by saying that if the Pope can canonize people then as the head of the Church of England she was well within her rights to 'saint' two such admirable young men who have been turning water into beer since 2007.

It was widely reported on the BBC today that the main reason for Sainting these two people was because they once made a beer called Speedball, the drug cocktail of choice of royals for many years now.

Other critics have spewed on social media that making the Queen get up at 5am just to saint two brewers (well one brewer and a marketing chap) was just being mean to a kind old lady who gives and gives and never asks for anything in return....apart from palaces and more money than she knows what to do with...


Monday, 6 June 2016

Fullers 'I Could Do That' Day A Hit With Old Blokes

Well known family brewer, Fullers are celebrating fathers day this June by running a competition called 'I Could Do That' day.
Aimed squarely at blokes who have always wanted to run their own pub but never had the bollocks, 'I Could Do That' day is predicted to be a massive hit as they are under the false impression they'll be able to show the bar staff how to pour beer properly before having to admit that they actually don't have a fucking scoobie.
The winning bloke will also have the opportunity to try and remember more than one drink at a time on the order whilst being shouted at by three different customers and trying to figure out who was actually first at the bar, regardless of which type of banknote is being waved in their faces as they try to put beer down without spilling it; and for that extra 'I Could Do That' authenticity they will be able to experience the asshole that orders Guinness last before telling said asshole that they don't serve Guinness here, just crafty Fullers stout.
The competition will also involve the winning blokes face and name on the pub sign and his favourite food groups on the menu.
Middle aged beer blagger, Rancidbarly is said to be disappointed that he doesn't qualify due to not having impregnated some random years ago as he was looking forward to having his favourite food stuffs on the menu at his local which would have read a bit like this...

Starter
12 Might-Be-Chicken Nuggets & BBQ jus
Main
Fucking Humongous Burger with Everything, served w/cheesy chips
Dessert
Cake, Don't Care What Type.
Afters
 (to be served on the way home)
Chicken Doner w/ Garlic Marinarde

When asked what he would have called the pub had he been allowed to enter, and won, our favourite crafty beer hero replied 'The Drunken Halfwit'.

Entries can be made on the Fullers website where people can upload pictures of their old man and tell the family owned company why their dad should win in 140 characters or less. Apparently 'To get the grumpy old bastard out of the house' is the most popular answer so far with a massive 5m entries.

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Mega Beer Manufacturer Eats Another Whole....and Burps.

Eu regulators finally gave in to Mega beer manufacturers AB InBev and allowed them to swallow SAB Miller whole for the measly price of €71bn making AB InBev the new Godzilla of the brewing industry.

Clearance was given with the condition that AB InBev sold nearly all of SAB Millers European based businesses, worth about €71bn.
AB InBev new logo

A faceless spokesman from AB InBev was quoted as saying "seems legit" before letting out a huge SAB flavoured burp.

Brewing Super-villain, Julio Utter-Bastard commented, "i just wish i'd thought of that" before going back to being Taxmans bitch.

Margrethe Vestager, commissioner in charge of competition policy said "this decision will ensure that competition is not weakened in these markets and that EU consumers are not worse off; well, no more worse off than if they'd drunk their own piss anyway".
"Europeans buy around €125bn (£98.8m) worth of beer every year so even a relatively small price increase could cause considerable financial harm to consumers! After all they are already paying over the odds for that crafty stuff, they only reason they drink the fizzy yellow piss is because it's cheap, it would have caused another world wide financial collapse"

Ahead of their AGM to be held in June, the Secret Guild of Beer Blaggers released a statement through one of their most revered members, Aidy Sweary-Pants saying "We, the Guild, would stand behind this takeover only if the quality of the beer isn't affected" he kept talking but in words only understood by an alien race known as the Xtellr (pronounced Crap-O-Beer) so we kinda stopped listening after that.

Average Joe Public looked on bemused and said "as long as i ain't paying that for my fucking beer next week, i'm alright wiv it!"

Life goes on as if nothing has happened.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Budweiser Stunt Backfires As Trump Buys America

Producers of fizzy yellow piss, Budweiser have been left red faced as they tried to 'one-up' Donald Trump who has threatened to make America great again, by renaming their 'beer' America. Only to have Donald Trump buy America and by default, Belgium too!
FUCK YEAH!

The script on the can will read America until after the election in November when someone that's not Obama will be in the White House. Donny McTrumpface, as he likes to be known was so impressed by the new branding that he decided to buy it.

Ironically for America Budweiser, the beer, if you can call it that, is actually owned by Belgian Mega-Coroporation AB InBev who own most of Belgium too so as well as buying his way to the Presidency, Trumpton McTrumpyfarce has actually bought himself a small country in Europe too! Sorry Trumpus, no backsies!

There was also shock for the rest of us when Budweiser, now of course owned by SuperTrump decided to translate 'e pluribus unum' which they translated as 'Trumps Penis woz here'. Quite.

They had also planned to put some Woody Guthrie lyrics to This Land is Your Land on the cans but thought better of it knowing that all American land was now actually St Trumpions. Guthrie was unavailable for comment due the dizziness of spinning in his grave and being dead n'all that.




Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Gone As British Return To Meaningless Lives

The wonder of the bright yellow thing in the sky has vanished now until 2017 and people all over Britain are expected to go about their boring, meaningless lives again.

With this years summer over, pubs are expected to be full of beer and devoid of customers now until the two days of summer in 2017.
Carlsberg don't do weather, but if they did, it'd be as shit as their beer.

Tooting pubs are once again full of the crafty beer which had been so popular when the sun was shining as people were prepared to pay more in their sun-filled happy state of minds! With the bright yellow thing now replaced with grey clouds and endless rain the little people of this small, dingy island will go back to drinking generic lagers brewed by faceless corporate whores and being generally angry the whole fucking time.

Yet even as half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly wept into his pint of coffee and lamented the death of summer he managed to find a small crumb of comfort in the situation, because he's always been a-glass-full kinda guy "at least the crafty beer will be back on tap now and the smelly masses will be too angry about the prices to buy it any more!".

Bless.

Monday, 9 May 2016

Bright Yellow Thing Causes Beer Shortage

Disaster struck in South West London yesterday as a bright yellow ball in the sky caused thousands of people to leave their homes in search of the fabled crafty beer now available in so many newly refurbished, shabby-chic boozers.

Those venturing out in late afternoon on Sunday evening were left devastated at the total lack of crafty beer left in the pubs in Tooting!
Your craft beer 'event' is sold out!

Half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly, himself one of those who left it too late was forced to ponder why pubs were running so low on crafty beer when there was so much bland tasteless shite still to drink!

Surely Tooting hasn't become this gentrified in the seven months I've been away!? Can someone please tell the brain dead masses that crafty beer is for a select few people and not them! With only the likes of Goose Island, Meantime, Lagunitas and Camden Town left on the taps I was forced to drink a flat pint of Trumans rather than a lovely fizzy can of Beavertown which i was really looking forward to!

Real experts were quick to come to all sorts of conclusions as to why the crafty beer had run out claiming that pubs just aren't used to ordering so much crafty beer or even that the breweries themselves can't cope with the sheer scale of orders when the sun comes out twice a year! Others speculated that with all these new 'celebrity brewers' spending all their time out of their breweries pretending to be cool and going to made-up 'conferences', they simply weren't spending enough time brewing beer!

A brewer who wished to remain nameless angrily replied to questions on the lack of availability of his beer "Listen, we simply don't want the capacity to keep up with the likes of Meantime, Camden Town or their 'partners' because our beer is a fucking event, man and it's going to remain such!

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

World Beer Cup An Actual Thing Insist Professional Alcoholics!

Hundreds of brewers and beer professionals are insisting to their partners that the World Beer Cup is an actual, real event and not just an excuse to go to the USA and get hammered.

Kylo Ren of Spoon and Beer Brewery in New Zealand has spent literally days trying to convince his wife that he's not on a weeks jolly but will actually be hard at work 'judging' beers because it's very serious business and he's very important like that. He even had to go on telly in NZ to explain just how important he was in the beer world!
Kylo Ren : Brewing very serious business.
Kylo's wife looked at him unbelieving and rolled her eyes saying 'alright then, you can go and play with the other boys'.
'Not playing. Working!' insisted Kylo, turning a shade of crimson knowing that his family had seen right through him!

Professional Offendotron, Meredith Coal will also be judging at the WBC and took to Twatter to explain why. 'The men cannot be seen to be having all the fun and i just won't let them!' Then she went back to ruining Bacon dishes with Asparagus and taking duck face selfies on Instagrot. Her husband wasn't allowed to be available for comment.

Organisers of the WBC have defended the brewers and professional drunks that are attending the competition saying on the WBC website...

Evaluating beer happens on so many levels. You have the professionals who can drink in their sleep; then there are the blaggers who like to pretend they know what they're talking about and finally you have the weaklings who have to lie down and have beer poured over them in order for them to keep drinking all day long.
The results are public so everyone can see which of these industry professionals are lightweights and which are hardcore boozehounds. Last man standing wins. 
When professional alcoholics acknowledge other professional alcoholics the public can be sure that the beer they are drinking is made by someone who can handle their drink and not some fly-by-night city boy with a new toy brewery!

No one at the WBC could confirm whether or not influential, king beer blagger, Pedro Brune would be available to judge this year as they are still looking for him under a mountain of beer cans; sightings have been rare recently but there have been rumours that one of his dizzying array of dodgy mid-life shirts was recently spotted in Belgium. The search continues as there ain't no party like a Pedro Brune party.

When asked if half-witted beer blagger, Rancidbarfly would be involved to make up the special needs judges quota, the organisers were quick to answer, Who the fuck is Rancidbarfly and why haven't we heard of him before?

Friday, 22 April 2016

Celebrity Beer Blaggers Fear for Their Lives

With celebrity deaths mounting up in 2016 there are fears amongst members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers that they might be next!
With the likes of mega celebs, David Bowie and Prince Hashtag or whatever his name was at the point, popping their clogs the more famous and outspoken members of the Guild of Beer Blaggers are hoping that George Reapy Reaper Martin doesn't realise that they have become minor beer celebrities for fear he might write them out of history!

King beer blagger, Pete Brown has even resorted to writing about cider and crowdfunding his books in an attempt to be less influential and famous, he has almost entirely stopped ranting on about crafty beer or the price of it on his beer blag too claiming that he's been 'just too busy but not really writing'. George Reapy Reaper Martin smugly chuckled to himself as he sharpened his scythe in the corner of the room.
Father of Beer Blagging, Michael Jackson.

Feminist beer blagger, Melissa Cole was seen launching the latest of her beery aberrations at London's crafty beer dungeon, The Rake has even given it a sexist name in an attempt to stay on the right side of literatures most famous killer; 'Look, the old boys need to have some fun, i'm just not really looking to get into an argument right now' George Reapy Reaper Martin was seen to be holding up the head of Michael Jackson, known to be the father of beer blagging and was quoting as saying 'It's fine love, your turn will come. Just go back to cooking or cleaning, i've been doing this for years!'. The plus side, for Melissa anyway was that her latest beer Collaboration, named Two Lumps of Coal wasn't wildly acclaimed in beer circles because she had decided to do something revolutionary for it and only use Water, Malt, Hops & Yeast in her latest beer.

Recently reaped beer maven, Glenn Payne whilst haunting the corner of The Rake was seen sliding a tenner over the wobbly table to George Reapy Reaper Martin saying, come on Georgie, I've got no fucker to drink with up here! To which the Reaper answered, i'll want more than that, old bean or i'll send you that asshole, Rupert Murdoch.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

Hop Shortage Signals Hipster End of Days

Crafty brewers are being blamed for the global hop shortage and hundreds of hipsters, as predicted on this very beer blag, are starting to rub their moisturised hands together at the thought of becoming 'hopsters' instead!
Bertie Beardwax releases his hops into the wild.

One such 'Hopster', Bertie Beardwax said of the new term "Hopster is just such a homogenised term already, we prefer the term 'Artisinal Farmers' that way we can grow what ever the fuck we want and call it hops! Hopster is just so just so confining, it's actually quite derogatory!"

Berties friend, Ivan "inverted commas" Terribleax agreed with his pal saying "Yeah it's like offensive, man, i'm like, growing weeds as well to like, er..sell n'stuff, weeds are the next big thing, man, you can even, like, er...smoke them so we're like er..expanding new markets as well as our minds"

Quite.

Apparently these Hopsters have all applied for allotments all over our fair capital in which to grow their 'hops' and some of them even have massive ideas for expansion too, people such as our friend, Bertie who told us he was going to expand into a railway arch in Camden which used to have a brewery in it before the brewer sold out to mega craft beer factory ABInbev. When asked about hops needing sunlight, Bertie replied "It's ok, my skin doesn't need sunlight so we're going to take that same principal into growing hops and weeds" 
BB as he likes to be called also has plans to increase the hop population of the world by also growing actual hops and then releasing them into the wild so they can multiply naturally and babbled on "it's amazing to think i'm single handedly saving the world hop population".

One of ABInbevs lawyers was dispatched to comment by automated message had the following to say..."Whilst we welcome more Artisinal Farmers popping up in railway arches, we have no need for them as we don't actually use hops in any of our beers anyway". Automated Lawyer #381 wasn't programmed to answer any questions so it was shut down until it was needed to bully a small brewer about the name of their beer being nothing like any of ABInbevs.

We're not holding our breath on Bertie Beardwax's plan but he's quietly 'hopful' of success. Yes we see what you did there, Bertie.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Fond Farewells

And so it is, the adventure ends tonight when i board a plane with an hour and five minutes left on my visa.
I'm leaving behind some good friends and i'm taking with me memories which will last me a lifetime.

What i'm also leaving behind is a vibrant, growing beer scene that whilst it is still in it's infancy it's as bold as a child testing it's parents patience for the first time.
It's been truly hard work!

As with other beer cities around the globe, Cape Town is so often overshadowed by the uninformed and often only choice of SAB in the guise of Castle Lager and it's various, hideous variants; but there is an almost tangible pulse about the beer scene here now. For the second time in my life i have had the privilege of being in a city just as it's beer scene starts to explode.
Cape Town now boasts some truly world class breweries in the forms of Aegir Project, Cape Brewing Co, Devils Peak Brew Co, Jack Black, Woodstock and Riot Beer.
Of course with world class breweries you need great outlets to sell the beer to and you don't get much better than Beerhouse on Long Street, overseen by Murray Slater(formerly of Clapham Junction's, Powderkeg Diplomacy) and his band of merry beer navigators. With it's regularly changing guest taps and knowledgable staff it's at the forefront of educating people in Cape Town about the beers they drink.
Cape Town is all about eating and drinking and so it's great to see so many restaurants getting on board this early in the beer explosion with their beer offers too; even if it's only one or two beers, the intent is very much there.
With any good crafty beer explosion nowadays you have to have a proliferation of crafty canned beer and Cape Town is no different with the likes of Cape Brewing Co and Devils Peak starting to produce in cans too; when the other brewers realise it's far better than bottling when done well it'll really take off!
Now for the advice bit, Cape Brewers...
Firstly don't think of yourselves as 'pushing the envelope', set fire to that motherfucker and watch the mainstream brewers burn with jealousy! Only by doing this will your customers tastes develop as they should!
Secondly, brew some sours!! Or at the very least Berliner Weiss's, the climate is perfect for them and your customers will learn to love them as much as this sour-starved blagger!

Now on a more personal note there are a few people here that i'd like to mention as they have helped keep me sane and shown me some of the better brews here!
Matt Hurst, a nicer bloke you could not hope to find anywhere and frankly he's a fucking great home brewer! His Black IPA won a home brewing competition and was brewed at Devils Peak, it's amazing and you have to try it! You can follow him on Twitter as @BeerclubSA.
Murray Slater, already mentioned but always a legend, i didn't really know him when he was running PKD but i'm glad i found the time to here! He's on the twitter too as @Murray_Slater.
Rory, Carey and of course Aegir the dog at Aegir Project, they're brewing fantastic beers and have plans for the future which should really shake up the beer scene here! @Aegir_Project
Mark Mohr now at Woodstock Brewery, a man who whilst knowledgeable is still looking to learn about the business and totes nice chap to boot! On twitter as @MarkWMohr.
Mark and David at Riot Beer, i wish i'd been able to get to know you better but your beers are fantastic and i look forward to seeing how they travel!
Wayne, stay lekker you hairy bugger, everyone else can follow him as @Wayne_cpt on that twitter!
At the signal bar in the Cape Grace hotel, somewhere we found ourselves a lot there is one man who must be mentioned. Some say he can make a Gin & Tonic by simply making the spirit fingers, others say he is merely an urban legend created when Lord Lucan disappeared, all i know is he's called The Stig! ....no wait that's wrong. It's Mangena, he is softly spoken, always calm, always polite and he optimises everything that a bartender should be. There just aren't enough of his kind behind bars anymore!
If i missed anyone out i apologise but i'm going to stop now before this turns into a cheesy oscar-like speech. Stay Lekker, Cape Town.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Beer Blagger to Return Home For Cape Town's Sanity

Sub par beer blagger Rancidbarfly is to return home to the UK for the sake of the sanity of all in Cape Town.
Beer blagger and all round blithering caffeine addict.

The caffeine mainlining halfwit has become far too dependant on the likes of Origin coffee and Aegir Project Pale Uil; Aegir the dog breathed an enormous sigh of relief and was quoted as saying I was starting to think that fool was going to drink us out of Pale Uil, how are we supposed to turn Cape Town crafty when he's drinking all of it! And his appetite for talking absolute nonsense to the locals has become stuff of legend! Everyone else exclaimed fuck me a talking dog!

The staff at Origin coffee shop on Hudson St were equally relieved to see the back of the idiot Womble too, their shoulders visibly relaxed as they discussed their guests caffeine guzzling habits. Thank the lord he's going, i mean, we're going to miss the hundreds of Rand a week he spent here but no human being should be able to hover home two inches off the ground because of caffeine abuse, it's just not natural! Another one of the staff continued and those eyes, crazed like he was on crack or something we've never seen anything like it!

The British Guild of Beer Blaggers was said to be shocked that one of their own was being sent home in such disgrace, Chief Beer Blagger, Timmy Hopstar shook his head sadly as he was quoted as saying Rancidbarfly has always been a bit of an idiot but this is just embarrassing, as a result of this debacle we're thinking about barring all computer blaggers from the guild!

Rancidbarfly was said to be inconsolable at having to return home to grey skies and the crafty beer politics of London and was not looking forward to having to recuperate in sub standard coffee houses or mainstream bars although he was quoted as saying, if you find me in a Costa Coffee or a Brewdog bar just put me out of everyone's misery!

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Zombie Apocalypse On Hold

Last night's dramatic zombie apocalypse had to be put on hold as beer lovers everywhere continued to whinge debate about which direction CAMRA should go in.
CAMRA members arriving for AGM

All the normal people in the world waited with baited breath to find out which of their beloved The Walking Dead(TWD) characters would be battered to death by Lucille (Negan's bat, not this blog author's wife); instead what they had to put up with was a cliffhanger which left many fans angry and unfulfilled much like their CAMRA counterparts.

As they logged back onto the internet to vent their spleens at the show's producers the angry TWD fans saw nothing but some whingeing Brits still carping on about saving pubs or fake crafty beer being better than real ale or some such other nonsense.

What is this? TWD fans protested!? We just watched you people on the telly getting battered, shot and hacked to death! CAMRA members just looked at each other and nodded smugly before responding We will always be here to moan about fake crafty beer and real ale; There are no other circles to go in but here's a questionnaire to fill in about where YOU think we should go in the next episode of CAMRA.

If you haven't been commenting on either 'exciting' storyline, ask yourself what you have been doing that's so very important that you couldn't spare the time to wade in with your own opinions?

As a protest, this blog author will not engage in any CAMRA directional debates or snarking until the new season of TWD starts and we find out that CAMRA have defined crafty beer and taken it as their own expression of true beer nirvana.*

*This might be a big fat lie.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Craft Beer to be Renamed New Tooth Fairy

The Campaign Fo' Real Ale (CAMRA) was yesterday caught up in the middle of a journalistic shit-storm which had even bungling whinger, Charlie Stayt at a total loss for words.
Having been invited to explain a possible new direction for CAMRA, founding member Mikey 'Hitman' Hardcase managed to debunk the whole crafty beer myth that has been circulating for the last 30 years.
The Campaign Fo' Real Ale
When asked about crafty beer, Hardcase merely stated 'listen Stayt, you slaaag, crafty beer don't fucking exist, right! And any fucker that sez it does is gonna get a kicking!
The BBC's phone lines were instantly silent as absolutely nobody gave any fucks about what this old codger was actually saying although a couple of hipsters fainted and had to be revived by someone wafting bath salts under their noses with their Tiller hats.
Stayt's co-presenter, Naga Chilli* somewhat perplexed by the outburst asked Hardcase 'so what is crafty beer then?' this seemed to only enrage the old man further and he went ranting on about keg beer, good honest beer and luscious beer all in the same sentence. CAMRA officials all over the country tried to silence Hardcase by turning their TV's to mute but the old man just kept talking.
Charlie Stayt saved their blushes by ending the interview with a well timed snort of derision and the world got on with it's business as if nothing had happened.

The two hipsters that fainted were reported to be recovering with Jasmin tea's in a local book/coffee emporium.

*authors note : too fucking easy.



Friday, 1 April 2016

Brewdog Buy Homebrewers Club

Crafty brewers, Brewdog have signalled their intent for global crafty beer domination by buying a local home brewing club, If It Aint Cloudy Don't Drink It(IIACDDI) for a reported £5 and a packet of frazzles.
Martin Dickie, Brewdog....oops.
The IIACDDI were surprised to hear from Admiral Watt as they admitted to their club being a hobby because they were just 'not very good' and they would have thought that Brewdog would have been more interested in professional home brewers Kernel or Partizan both now famous on the Bermondsey beer crawl.
Admiral Watt has defended his company's actions and was quoted as saying 'we're so fucking craft right now' whilst flicking out gang signs and trying to perfect Blue Steel on Brewdog TV which was later found to be just his bathroom mirror. When asked to expand on the actual story of buying a home brewers club he merely boarded a dinghy and raced out into the North Sea shouting orders at the wind.
When asked if the buyout would affect the styles and traditions of the home brewing club an IIACDDI representative, Mikey McRoughStuff replied 'not at all, this partnership is in the best interests of crafty beer all over the world and we're delighted to be working alongside Brewdog'.

The other owner of Brewdog who wishes to remain anonymous replied to this saying 'The IIACDDI are basically us 10 years ago just without the fucking talent, someone has to teach these cunts to brew!' and he was last seen stripping naked and running off into the hills where he is reported to live in a hollowed out tree stump and using twigs as rollers for his beard.

Associated press were left gathered around drinking samples of what they hoped were brews from the IIACDDI but nervously tipped them away realising it was actually International Arms Race and left shortly afterwards.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

ECB To Punish England Cricket Fans With Fosters

The England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) has decided to punish English cricket fans by making them drink Australian Fosters at all England home games for the next two years despite the deep rooted rivalry between the two cricketing nations.

A joint advertising campaign between the ECB and Fosters will see the beer being poured exclusively at all England home games.
A representative of the ECB who refused to be named was quoted as saying "The ECB has decided that the fans are getting far too badly behaved nowadays, so we have decided to punish them with Fosters; it's far less flavoursome than that craft nastiness from Marstons!"
drinking Fosters will make you wear white lippy!

Forde Prefect, Master of Disaster at Fosters owners, Heineken said "we're thrilled to be teaming up with English Cricket, the England team seem to be playing very well at the moment so hopefully making their fans drink our tasteless fizzy shite will shut them up a bit"
He added "England needs to learn that drinking crafty beer makes you a drunken hipster and so drinking fizzy 'Australian' shite will see the English go back to their tasteless, imperial roots"

Heinekens rival Budweiser snarked from the sidelines "we don't understand this British game, cricket; go baseball!" before marching off into the sunset chanting USA USA USA!


Monday, 28 March 2016

Utter-Bastard Charged With 5bn of Suspected Fraud.

Evil brewery owning drug overlord Julio Utter-Bastard, has finally been caught by super hero, Taxman and charge with a suspected £5bn worth of fraud, The Evening Standard reports.
As a result, his brewery, Poppy Fields has been put up for sale in a desperate bid to save the jobs of the poor bastards that work for him.

Mr Utter-Bastard would only make the following statement "Deep down i always knew that my nemesis, Taxman, would get me in the end but i just couldn't help myself, i'm just rotten to the core".
When he was in primary school, Mr Utter-Bastard once attended 'dress as your hero day' as Darth Vader because the plastic mask was on discount at the party store and it was more interesting than going dressed as Charles Manson. Also Mr Utter-Bastard wasn't old enough to grow facial hair at the time.

Manson was quoted as saying "knowing that Mr Utter-Bastard is doing such a great job gives me hope for the future, i'm super-proud!"
Proud role model. Charles Manson.

Estate Agent, David Lying Cougher's advert states the following...

Poppy Fields brewery is a developing business with a strong turnover and 'unique' business model in the craft beer industry. No other brewery is daring enough to include class-a drugs in their recipes which keep the hipsters hooked on this shit. 
There is a professional management team in place and the business is ideally placed in Hackney to cater to all those gullible hipster saps who still think it's cool to call beer 'crafty'.

Poppy Fields Brewery is a member of the London Brewers Dalliance(LBD), who would make no comment on one of their own being charged with fraud and went back to planning their next big event in twenty years time. Mr Utter-Bastard famously fucked up the yearly LBD event a few years back and the pubs in the local Hackney area made a killing as a result.

The poisoned chalice remains up for sale and the case continues...

Thursday, 24 March 2016

Conor McGregor Budweiser Ad Banned For Featuring Absolutely No Beer

Super-corporate, bland piss producing mega-brewery Budweiser have submitted their latest advert for review to the Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland(ASAI), only to have it turned down for featuring absolutely no fucking beer.

Instead it features Ultimate Foighting Hero, Conor McGregor walking through the streets of first Dublin then then somewhere in homogenised America mumbling something about following your dreams.

The ASAI stated that it simply could not condone such a blatantly anti-beer advert and that the advert would not encourage children to go and drink beer but instead go and start fighting each other like in some insanely violent Brad Pitt movie; not only that, they might start wearing ridiculous trilby hats like Pitt did in that movie that time! It added "simply putting the Budweiser logo at the end just makes it look like a really shoite tourist ad"
Conor McGregor, too sexy for this hat

Budweiser's army of lawyers responded with the following statement "Conor is an aspirational figure for people that wish to follow their dreams and ambitions" before uncomfortably shifting their briefcases onto their laps and continuing "based on independent statistical research, Conor McGregor has overwhelming adult appeal".

Budweiser's rival, Heineken, snarked from the sidelines "We should not and would not, use anyone in our ads who would so blatantly appeal to our homoerotic desires as we're just not that comfortable with our sexuality" everyone else sniggered at the word erotic and went for a pint of Guinness.

you can view the illegal advert here

or here!




Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Old Lady Turns 90, Nation to Get Hammered.

People all over England and Wales are celebrating today as 'call me Dave' Cameron announced that pub opening hours would be extended on 10th & 11th June to help celebrate the Queens 90th birthday.

Pubs will be allowed to open for a whole two hours extra or until 1am! As the nation looked at him bewildered as to why they were being able to stay open for a whole two hours extra, Cameron, or Ham-face as he likes to be known, added a stipulation that only people from the Commonwealth would be allowed to take advantage of this due to the rest of the world being dangerous, uneducated peasants; and that no-one wants to see them in their local, newly gentrified 'spoons.

Happily, the two days of unimpeded binge drinking, late licensing coincide with England and Wales first games at the European Football Championships.

Welsh(and English) drinker, Glyn Roberts said that he was probably going to get 'banjaxed' in the pub those nights anyway and it will be a sweet relief to stave off the nagging wife for an extra couple of hours! He added "I've always liked that old bird, the Queen, is it? she brings lots of extra tax money to the UK people without which she wouldn't be able to afford the crowns and gowns that keep the yanks spending money here!" and he was last seen staggering off into the night with a bottle of Buckfast under his arm.

STREET PARTY

Gammon face also announced a whole bunch of street parties over that weekend too as he was certain the whole nation would want to thank him for his malevolence, benevolence over the past few years and the Queen would indeed be warmed-up and wheeled out of Buck House just for these occasions so that her humble subjects could take selfies with her.

Lots of late opening licenses have been granted in the last few years because the older the Queen gets the more things she has to celebrate, like waking up in the morning. She was heard mumbling something about having to wake up next to Phillip every day as she shuffled away in her nightie and slippers for an 11am nap.

Ham-face also added that The Scottish and Northern Irish didn't get licensing extensions because they're all bingeing pikeys anyway and what was the point in making their drinking habits legal for just two nights of the year.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Beery McBeerInMaFace

In the light of the utter success of letting the idiots on the internet name a $287m polar research vessel, Boaty McBoatface, faux-anarchic crafty brewery, Brewdog have decided that instead of suing the internet for stealing their ideas, they would let the trolls that follow them on said internet name not just the next beer but all their subsequent beers; one of the skinny jean, ironic Ramones t-shirt, Flip-flop & Trilby wearing precious little bastards came up with Beery McBeerInMaFace and managed to crash twitter again ruining the day for the rest of us.

Admiral James Watt, as you now have to call him, decided this at a super-secret shareholders meeting because it was easier than having to decide which way round his new admirals tricorn was supposed to go.
It was the only thing on the super-secret meetings agenda and The Admiral went back to strolling around the brewery with one arm in his plaid shirt, barking orders at the poor buggers that work for him.

The first Beery McBeerInMaFace will not be available in their native Scotland because despite having 8 bars and a brewery tap, no fucker drinks Brewdog beers up there. The Admiral is also hoping that having Mc in the name might inspire some Scottish pride about having such a cool brewery north of the border but wasn't reported to be holding his breath.

In another utterly craft move the brewery said it wasn't even going to brew a new beer for Beery McBeerInMaFace but it was instead, just going to rename the preposterously awful, International Arms Race as it still had loads of mouldy Keykegs just lying around the brewery. The interwebs applauded such blue sky and environmentally-conscious thinking and went back to picking the fluff out of it's belly button.

Brewdog's other Admiral had no further comment to add other than...



When asked by this reporter which way round he'd decided to put his Admirals Tricorn, Admiral Watt replied that it was more 'punk' to just wear it at a jaunty angle.

Authors note : You can buy your very own Admirals Tricorn from any good party store!

Thursday, 17 March 2016

UK Beer Blagging Hits New Low

Reports out of the UK today suggest that the UK beer blagging scene is at an all time low with Old Blaggers clearly running out of steam. This is despite the amount of beer to be blagged in the UK having risen a million fold in the last five minutes.

According to this blaggers sources, all the old blaggers are now far too busy using super-instantly gratifying social media such as Twitter or writing books such as The True History of London Murky or The Definition of Devious Beer, to bother with good old fashioned blagging. Indeed the circle of jerks seems to have been well and truly broken.
Beer, worth a blag!

Historical beer blagger, Marty Cornbeef moaned in his latest 15,000 word post that his blagging site was now just a forum for arguing about which colour of London murky came first and that he'd much rather write another book about it than have to answer any more of the argumentative keyboard warriors in his comments section! Of course the Guild of Beer Blaggers gave him another award for the post and told him to keep up the good work!

Even young beer blaggers, Marky & Sparky agreed that they were now part of the establishment but that everything was still just about awesome and but that they couldn't comment any further for want of upsetting the people that now paid their wages. They went back to running about on the Bermondsey mile and eventually had to be called back for tea by their parents.
The Guild of Beer Blaggers gave them doggy treats and rubbed their bellies as a reward for playing nice with other blaggers.

Girlfriend and Boyfriend blaggers, Barf & Baldy rounded off our interviews with the good news that with so many new breweries to blag from there were bound to be new blaggers popping up everywhere; indeed they mentioned a couple of pop-up blaggers based somewhere in East London who were so super-secretive about their identities and had to wear sunglasses and baseball caps whilst blagging! 
The Guild of Beer Blaggers told them that they'd look into these new blaggers as potential new members of the guild and awarded them the Golden Beer Blagging tankard and a 10% discount on their membership subs for services to the industry. 

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Battle of the Hops

How'sit, Capetonians?! - I'm picking up the lingo finally!

Not simply content to brew amazing beers all year round, this Thursday a battle royale will begin between two of Cape Town's best independent breweries, Aegir Project and Devils Peak! 



Sponsored by my pals at Simply Hops who were also on hand to watch over the brews, the two breweries are facing off at Beerhouse and Banana Jam with an IPA each made with different hops.

All you guys have to do is get down to the bars before the taps run dry! They'll be marked A or B and you'll be given a voting form with which to mark down your favourite; once you've completed it hand it back to your server and wait with your beerily baited breath for the winner! 
The taps will be relabelled when the winner is chosen and you'll be able to order as much as you want from either tap knowing where it's come from. Please enjoy responsibly and all that Jazz. 
Apparently if you leave your details on the voting form you'll be in with a chance of winning a mixed case of beer from the breweries involved too so make sure you fill that bit in!

This one really excites me as these are my two favourite Cape Town breweries and although i couldn't make the Devils Peak brew day due to looking and feeling like an extra from the walking dead, i did manage to drag my flabby arse to Aegir Project and hang out there whilst the important people brewed! Thanks to Rory and Phil for the invite!

This is one of a few exciting Cape Town beer events this week so keep your eyes peeled for Battle of the Taps also at Beerhouse (Friday) and the South Yeasters event at SAB Newlands on Sunday! I have to say it's really lekker (see what i did there - lingo) to be able to be around another beer scene as it explodes, London was fun in the late naughties and Cape Town is going to be a riot in the terrible teens!

As an aside, it's also Paddy's day on Thursday and apparently the excitable Hop Heads at Beerhouse will be handing out prizes for people dressed in green! Don't feel like you have to though, my sarcasm level will be Jedi. 

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

2016 Predictions

I've seen a few predictions being rolled out about what people think will occur in the beer industry this year so here is one of my own...

The so-called coming hop shortage will be countered by global warming causing better conditions for growing hops in the UK and Ireland. 
Hipsters will therefore turn their attention to buying farmland and cultivating hops (badly, because let's face it they're just city hippies) instead of starting up breweries and will all become millionaires for selling weeds, making the rest of us cry into our sours.

You heard it here first, people. As you were.