Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world.
Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace.
Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.
More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (yes it's an actual thing) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.
Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to
every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.
|JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.|
Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.
Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!