Tuesday, 26 December 2017

The Aspirational Lambics 2017

Warning, this contains foul language, a sense of irony and a misplaced regard of my own self importance. If you're easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this...

I warned you.


So i've only written (published) one post this year, partly because i write utter garbage and i'm bored of it now. But enough naval gazing lets have a brief look at what happened this year before i get to the awards bit, i know, you're literally itching to read them, but that might just be your newfound allergy to hops.

A bunch of people tried 'buying back' craft beer. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I find supporting your local brewery works just as well. Talking of supporting your local brewery, i joined then left mine, shit happens.

Price of a pint argument happened (AGAIN) in August and still gets talked about today, yawn-the-fuck off please, it's really fucking boring now.

Feminism in beer happened too apparently. Who'd have thought the beer industry would think about catching up so soon after ladies got the vote!

Brewery takeovers kept happening to absolutely no-one's surprise; to everyone's surprise though Carlsberg decided to bail-out Julio Utter-Bastard by buying his brewery, the best brewery buyout ever, probably.

Tiny Rebel brewery decided to fork out 31k to put their logo at the back of their cans of Cwtch Welsh Red Ale, taking pity on the thick bastards who can't read good and get easily confused by beer in a beer aisle.

So now to the awards; fake table drum roll please....

Craft Brewery Sell-Out of the Year : Wicked Weed, we all know they're just spending those new found millions on 'actual' weed now; who wouldn't?

The Secret Guild of Beer Writers Loan of Pete Brown's Golden Tankard went to, Adrian Tierney-Jones. Remember to give it back, old chap.

Beer Style of the Year : Anything with Flour in the recipe, because flour = juicy!

The Opening Your Mouth Just to Change Feet, award goes to everyone's favourite Journalist du jour, James Beeson.

Best Bullshit in 140 280 Characters : I would have gone for the obvious which is the @pilotbeeruk twitter account because everyone has but apparently they sold their twitter account to AB InBev so, fuck 'em. Instead I've given this award to NO-ONE! UP YOUR FUCKING GAME, TWITTER!

The Most Trump-Like Beer Occurrence of 2017 : Something about 'taking craft back'. Was it made badly? Do you need a refund? What does craft even mean anyway??

Is It Beer & Food Matching If We Put Food IN Our Beer? : Buxton Brewery, take a bow for sticking pecan crumble & toasted marshmallows in your Texas Pecan Ice Cream at IMBC.

Best Bottle Label Collector : Glen Balls
Best Keg Badge Collector : Glen Wright
Best Cask Badge Collector : Glen Garry - ok ok, he hasn't tried this alias yet but give him time, he's special.

If You Live Long Enough You'll See Craft Trends Re-Occurring : Black IPA's, innit.

I'm So Cool It Fucking Hurts Award : The stupid child (sorry, 20 something 'little person') at Brasserie de la Senne who said Cantillon were 'overrated'. I don't know your name but you're a bit of an idiot.

Serve Me That Fucking Beer Again, I Fucking Dare You : That cloudy pint of sarsons-esque Sambrooks Wandle at the Rose & Crown, Tooting. And please don't ever tell me it's supposed to be cloudy...idiot.

I've Ignored CAMRA AND Brewdog, Shall I Give Them An Award? : Nope.

There you have it, the most disappointing awards in the history of disappointing awards. Remember, if you want one of them i do sell these awards too now that i'm self employed, just don't expect an invoice!

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Carlsberg to Find the Right Craft Beer Accessories!

Danish macro brewer, Carlsberg announced yesterday that they're going to start buying UK craft breweries, in a desperate bid to keep up with mega-piss-producing Anhauser-Busch-InBev-SAB-Whatever and Heineken; but it's only going to buy breweries it can afford.

The UK arm of the Danish beer giant (it's bigger than Mikkeller and Evil Twin combined!) could be ready to acquire a UK Craft brewery later this year or early next year according to it's chief executive Julian Momen in a podcast he only bothered sending to the Publican Morning Advertiser; he just has to check his pocket change first.

He said "What we know is that an international craft brewery are absolutely the must have
Craft beer, this seasons must have accessory!
accessories this season, all the big boys are sporting them now and we need to be seen out wearing the right bling"

Momen continues 'Local craft in the UK is actually growing faster than international craft and it doesn't exist in our portfolio right now so we're looking a bit like a sixteen year old chav from Croydon wearing fake gold teeth".


A whole range of options are being assessed at the moment and whilst the CEO refused to reveal any specific details of which UK craft breweries they're looking at, the likes of Firebrand, Watneys and Julio Utter-Bastard's Poppy Fields were amongst the favourites.

"There are so many breweries to choose from, it's a virtual smorgasbord so it's about finding the right one in the right location as we are only taking our first steps into the craft sector" 

Carlsberg recently acquired the rights to sell Brooklyn in the UK "it really made us sit up and look at what craft beer is, we had no fucking idea!" Momen enthused "getting the rights to Brooklyn made us look all crafty and now we've had a taste we want more!".